on the iPod: "when i'm sixty-four" -- the beatles
I could feel an excitement about this particular run early in the week, mainly because of the distance. I hadn't run 15 miles since the Chicago Marathon some four months ago, and was craving big distances.
Unbeknownst to us at the time, Mrs. Pugh and I were both thinking that it might be time to shake things up a bit. She mentioned running in Bentonville as opposed to Fayetteville and I immediately thought it was a good idea. I've really started to enjoy running around Bentonville for the mid-week runs and was anxious to go longer. Their trail system is starting to take great shape and is giving Fayetteville a run for it's money in terms of recreation. Both cities should be proud of what they've got. It's a runner's paradise.
We started from the dog park and ran south, which brought us really fast (in the third mile) to the Crystal Bridges trail and it's big-ass incline. Having run it a few times before, we knew exactlty what to expect. I can't find an elevation chart for it, but please understand that this is a monster hill that won't think twice about chewing up and spitting out the unprepared. It will shame you. It will beat you down. And I absolutely love it. It's by far the steepest incline i've ever run and can't wait to tackle it again in mile 12 of the Bentonville Half a few months from now.
We deviated from the trail for a few miles and ran through the streets beyond the town square, amongst the old homes that stand forthright on their blocks, like relics of slower days, before the pressure and pace of 2011. We've run these streets many times, but I never tire of seeing these homes. Some are in better shape than others, but they all have stories in the shadows of their porches and awnings. I'd love to have one of those homes. I'd love to know.
It sounds kinda geeky, but Mrs. Pugh and I were both excited to run some of the newer trails that had just been completed. From our windows on the third floor of Bentonville High School, we have a panoramic view looking east. I've watched the trail system being constructed when I probably should have been watching my students take quizzes, but I can't help myself from not looking out the window and seeing new courses. New routes. New chances to run. There's something about a new trail or course that makes me want to run as fast as possible. So I usually do.
We mapped our 15-miler to take advantage of these new portions. While running behind Mrs. Pugh about 20 yards, I could tell that we were both having a great morning. The pace was swift and the weather was cooperating. This run was quickly becoming amazing.
Then, off in the distance, I could barely make out in my visual field what looked like dirt moving equipment. And orange cones. What is going on? I'm confused. By this time we were mid-way through a pretty lengthy field running parallel to the Sam's Club home office and there was no turning back. As I got closer it became evident that we were approaching a dead-end where the trail system was still under construction. Not a big deal, I surmised, as I've run cross-country through fields before. But then I realized this won't be an option for me, as the fields are covered in thick, nasty, pungent mud and I have on my brand new Asics Gel Foundation 9 running shoes that are still brilliantly white.
They're so white that people running by are blinded by their radiance. True story. These are the shoes that will take me across the finish line of the Oklahoma City Marathon. I'm like a proud dad. Inevitably, running shoes are going to get dirty. It's part of the game. Runners step on any number of disgusting substances over the course of training. Gum. Cigarette butts. Dogsh*t. Dead bugs. Trash. But must the shoes that I adore so much get soiled by mud on the very first long run? Oh, the humanity of it all.
Faced with this travesty, i very quickly devised a plan. While cursing Mrs. Pugh for choosing this route deliberately and finally figuring out that she is indeed jealous of my new running shoes, I walked delicately through the cleanest patches I could find. Surviving what turned out to be a mine field of mudbombs, I found a curb and began the process of scraping the mud off the heels of my shoes. I'm happy to report they are back in fine form, but only after another round of hand cleaning when I got home.
Shortly thereafter we reached Pinnacle Hills and paused before turning around. I berated Mrs. Pugh for sabotaging my new shoes and vowed a swift and sharp revenge. We had a good laugh about it all and headed back the way we came, both agreeing that the run was great thus far. And we were right. It was.
Around mile 10, Mrs. Pugh needed a bathroom break. Stopping to pee while running is just part of it. Luckily, we were close to the high school and knew that there would most likely be a door open somewhere. I was in front and immediately found an entrance. While walking through a hallway that I rarely go during the workweek, I turned around and noticed Mrs. Pugh was not walking, but rather still running through the hall. She really had to pee. So I began to run through the hall with her. Immediately I got a rush of energy, feeling like I was doing something that I wasn't supposed to be doing. I was running in the halls! Fast. In fact, when I realized this I made a conscious decision to speed up. It felt so good! After the bathroom, we even did an indoor lap around the entire first floor. I couldn't help but think of The Breakfast Club, one of the seminal movies for virtually anybody who grew up in the 1980's. Including myself. The movie and cast were both outstanding, but I always thought the most intriguing character was Bender. Judd Nelson nailed it.
I had a crazy energy for the last few miles, fueled primarily by the mixture of my new running shoes, the nice weather, and the feeling of going a long distance. I could feel my legs beginning to hit their stride, and I pushed them to run bold and fast. It was one of the best training runs i've had in a long while, if not ever. Everything seemed to click. I waited briefly in the parking lot for Mrs. Pugh who was a few minutes behind me, thinking back about the morning and looking forward to the afternoon. I felt outstanding.
But life is funny sometimes, and certainly not something that I can always understand. I try desperately to do so, but usually resign myself to being okay with not understanding everything. After what had truly been the perfect late-winter morning run, my afternoon turned to sadness, self-doubt and loathing. And it happened within a matter of hours.
I've had that deep pit in my stomach before and knew what was coming immediately when I felt it. I hate that feeling more than anything else in the world. It was there and wasn't leaving anytime soon. I felt like I had no options in terms of fixing the situation, so my mind began racing and I wondered what I had done wrong. Why was I not good enough? What exactly could I have said to change the outcome? I was that stupid, ugly kid again. I felt like I had tried everything I knew to do and my best effort didn't win. I felt awful. That emotion was the rest of my weekend. The run became an afterthought.
I still have the pit in my stomach. But I know that it will go away, hopefully sooner than later, and that running will no doubt be a part of that process. In fact, I got in a pretty good stretch this afternoon. It helped. When I'm running I don't have to think about problems, or wonder why. I don't have to feel like I did something wrong or that i'm not good enough. I just have to run. Fast. It has become my salve.
The good news is that I'll be okay. I always am, it seems. I've got three big races ahead of me this spring, including my second marathon. The training schedule is full and there's no time for second-guessing what happens in life or anger towards people. I mean that wholeheartedly. Those emotions get in the way of making human connections. Human connections that make me happy and whole. So i'll lace up and run forward, smiling and thankful that I've made the connections that I have. It might not be the easiest trail, but i'm ready for it.
Run.
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